King of the Perverts by Steve Lowe

Author:Steve Lowe [Lowe, Steve]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Fiction, Humorous
ISBN: 9780984969258
Google: Td0zLgEACAAJ
Amazon: 098496925X
Goodreads: 14801737
Publisher: Atlatl Press
Published: 2012-06-05T04:00:00+00:00

The Donkey Punch

“Hi sugar, I’m Pauline.”

I didn’t even have to move. She came to me. I had just drained my glass and was working myself up for a trip to the pisser before stumbling over to her spot at the bar, but I guess as soon as Jack left, she zeroed in.

I stick out a hand and say, “Hi Pauline, name’s Dennis.” Then I sit there and wonder why the fuck I’m talking like Roy Rogers all of a sudden.

She grabs my hand and I immediately regret having offered it. She sits next to me in a grand display of clanging, over-sized jewelry, and I resist the urge to wipe her hepatitis handshake on my pants. Pauline smells of cheap drugstore perfume, a lot of it, and she doesn’t look too healthy up close. From the other end of the bar she didn’t exactly appear to be fit as a fiddle, but sitting right next to me, my skin is crawling. Poor girl has clearly seen some rough times over the years, as evidenced by the half-moon shaped scar under her right eye.

“So, I heard a rumor about you.”

Uh-oh.

“Oh yeah? What kind of rumor.”

Pauline leans closer and says in a cigarette-and-gin infused fog, “Word is you’re a TV star.”

I laugh and look around for Jack Mehoff, but he seems to have disappeared. “Well, I’m not sure what people have been saying, but that’s not entirely accurate.”

Pauline sidles right up next to me and places her lips against my left ear. “Don’t worry,” she whispers. “I won’t say nothing about the show. I know it will get you disqualified.”

I pull back and look at her. She’s got a wild, excited look in her eyes. I don’t know what all Jack told her, but it must have been enough.

She pulls me close again and says, “I want on the show. And you don’t have to worry about a thing. I like the rough stuff.”

So much for small talk. Ten minutes later, we’re in her pickup truck, heading for the motel.

•

Life is filled with many questions.

Why is the sky blue?

Is there an afterlife?

Why am I here?

And of course: Is it possible to wear three condoms at once?

I don’t know the answers to any of those yet, but I’ll be fucked if I leave this bathroom before I come to a definitive conclusion on that last one.

•

I’m thankful for many things. You might not think it based on what you’ve read so far, but I promise, I am truly appreciative for certain little things.

Viagra is one of those things. Vodka is another.

Without those two beauties, I would not be where I am right now. And where I am right now is coupled to the anus of a very bony, very loose, very frightening woman who I have come to learn quite a bit about.

The following is true of fair Pauline:

– She has been to prison. More than once. And not as a visitor.

– She has quite probably committed murder, or at the very least a form of extremely aggravated manslaughter.

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